In Genesis 13:1-18, the potential for family conflict arises between Abraham and Lot. Both have accumulated herds and flocks; the land simply couldn’t accommodate them both. Quarreling erupts between their herdsmen, threatening to spill over into Abraham and Lot’s relationship.
Conflict, or even the potential for it, can stir up anxious feelings. This is especially true of family conflict. Who hasn’t stared at a ringing phone or a text notification and wondered if you had the emotional energy to deal with the person on the other end? That sinking feeling in your stomach, the tightness in your chest, that tension in your shoulders - that’s anxiety, your bodies response to real and perceived threats. Our anxious reactions are automatic, often operating below the level of our awareness.
Our Anxious Reactions
Think back to your most recent conflict. How did you handle it? What was driving the bus - anxiety or your best thinking? Anxious reactions come naturally. Our anxiety seeks to protect us from threats, both real and perceived. Anxious reactions could look like:
Adapting to avoid conflict or preserve peace without voicing his concerns
Blaming Lot and his herdsman without taking an objective look at the situation
Making threats in an attempt to force Lot’s hand
Avoiding having the difficult conversation
Worrying if Lot would choose the better land for himself
Giving unsolicited advice, telling Lot what he should do
Tell Lot how ungrateful he is ("You wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me.")
Being overly responsible for Lot’s emotions and choices
Being less responsible for his own emotions and choices
Attempting to manage Lot’s behavior rather than managing his own
Rushing to tell others about the situation to gain allies and sympathy
Looking for a quick-fix instead of a long-term solution
As you can see, our anxious reactions to conflict often involve an unhelpful focus on the other person, blame, avoidance, talking about the person instead of to the person, and an unwillingness or inability to see our role in the conflict. But there is another way we can address conflict - and that is by becoming more differentiated (i.,e. emotionally mature).
What is Differentiation of Self?
Differentiation of self (or emotional maturity) is the ability to 1) separate our thoughts from our feelings and 2) being able to separate our thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of others. That is, we’re able to be who are and maintain who we are in the face of relationship pressure. It is about taking more responsibility for self (i.e., managing our own feelings and behaviors) while staying meaningfully connected to others. The more differentiated we are, the greater our ability to forgo anxious reactions and choose more thoughtful responses when conflict arises.
We don’t know how differentiated Abraham was or how he was feeling in this situation, but there are clues that he was able to respond from a more mature place.
He addresses the conflict instead of avoiding it. (v. 8)
He speaks to Lot directly instead of using intermediaries. (v. 8)
He acknowledges his relationship concerns. (v. 8) Note: It is also possible to appeal to unity in order to sway the choices of others, which would be a more anxious response.
He’s able to be objective, seeing the problem as a limited amount of land rather than some character flaw within Lot. (v. 9a)
He offers a plausible solution. (v. 9b)
He allows Lot to choose his own path rather than choose it for him. (vv. 9c-11)
Abraham didn’t emotionally cutoff from Lot. He stays connected with him after they separate, as evidenced by him coming to Lot’s aid later (Gen. 14:13-16; 18:16-19:29).
Abraham had every opportunity to let his anxiety run the show. But you get the sense here that Abraham is able to be wise, calm, and in control. How can we be more like Abraham in this instance and operate out of our maturity instead of our anxiety when faced with conflict? Here are some ideas.
Calm down. We don't do our best thinking when anxious, so calming down is essential. Being more calm allows us to think more clearly about the conflict and choose a more mature path.
Look up. Part of Abraham’s confidence had to come from the fact that God already promised him the land. God had already blessed him.There was no real long-term threat. This fact released him from having to fight and claw to protect something that was already his.
Zoom out. When we are calmer, we can be more curious about what is happening. We can survey the landscape. What preceded the conflict? What could I be missing about the situation? What’s my part in this? What is the other person’s point of view? Zooming out helps us see variables we might not have considered otherwise. It also helps us see our own role in the conflict, as well as be genuinely curious about what the other is experiencing.
Move forward. Proceed in a manner that’s wise, more mature, and consistent with your values and long-term goals.
Becoming more differentiated is a life-long pursuit. We never truly arrive, but over time we can improve on bringing the best of who we are to our relationships.
Some Questions
What are your anxious reactions to conflict?
Do you try to avoid conflict altogether?
Do you react defensively – blaming, arguing, resorting to personal attacks?
Do you quickly adapt to what others think in order to preserve peace?
Do you reflexively reach out to other people to tell them your side of the story?
Have you taken on the responsibility to keep everyone calm?
Do you calm yourself down by distancing (emotionally and/or physically) from others?
Do your reactions differ with family, friends, and coworkers?
How does your family of origin tend to handle conflict and relationship tension?
What is particularly challenging for you when faced with conflict?
What would more mature responses to the challenges you’re facing look like?
In what area(s) of your life do you struggle to trust God?
How is trust an antidote to anxiety?
Immanuel Marsh (MDiv, Beeson Divinity School; MA, University of Alabama at Birmingham; ALC) is a counselor, minister, and teacher in Birmingham, Alabama.