How do you respond when the pressure is on? More emotionally or more thoughtfully? Are you more impulsive or more measured? In Genesis 12:10-20, Abraham and Sarah find themselves in a stressful situation – a famine. They had followed God’s lead into Canaan, but now faced the threat of starvation. They travel to Egypt to escape the famine. Abraham's attention turns to another potential threat - the Egyptians. Apparently, Abraham “married up.” He worries the Egyptians will kill him to take his beautiful wife. So, he asks Sarah to lie and say she’s his sister. Did Abraham have reason to believe that his life was in danger? Were the Egyptians world-renowned wife thieves? We’re not told. For our purposes here, it may not matter. What internal processes are at play? What’s Abraham feeling? He’s afraid. Anxious. And his response (lying and asking Sarah to lie) is one born out of anxiety rather than careful consideration. Abraham trusted God enough to leave Haran and travel to another country, but not with his life. It’s also debatable how concerned Abraham is with his wife’s well-being. What’s not debatable is that when we’re anxious we can resort to telling others what to do instead of managing ourselves.
Anxious Reactions Vs. Mature Responses
Anxiety is our response to real or imagined threats. It’s our body's way of protecting us from danger. The problem: Sometimes our anxiety tries to protect us from threats that aren’t even there. We all respond to anxiety in predictable ways. No doubt you’ve heard of the “fight or flight” response. Dr. Murray Bowen observed that families also respond to and manage their anxiety in predictable ways: through conflict, emotional cutoff (or distance), overfunctioning and underfunctioning, and triangling to name a few (more on these in future posts). Dr. Kathleen Smith simplifies these anxious reactions, writing that we fight, flee, freeze (i.e. hide), or fret to a friend (Everything Isn’t Terrible, 4). The reactions are predictable, but we’re not always aware that it’s our anxiety energizing these reactions.
Our anxious reactions intend to control situations (i.e., outcomes) and people (i.e., their actions and reactions). Whereas our mature responses focus on managing ourselves. Anxious reactions seek to relieve the anxiety of the moment. Mature responses withstand the present discomfort for the sake of long-term growth. Anxious reactions are automatic. Visceral. Subjective. However, mature decision-making requires more thoughtfulness and objectivity. Becoming more differentiated people (i.e., more emotionally mature) involves being able to tell the difference between our thoughts and feelings, regulating our feelings, and making decisions based more on our values.
When we become overly anxious, it’s difficult to think clearly. Have you ever had to make a decision in a crisis? Not always easy, huh. Have you been in an argument and thought you were making reasonable points, only to have them ignored? Yeah, that person isn’t calm enough to hear you. The areas of the brain responsible for emotion have taken the ball and run with it, while the parts dedicated to reasoning sit on the bench waiting to be put in the game.
Abraham’s anxiety is activated by at least three concerns. First, there is the famine and the looming threat of starvation (v. 10). Secondly, he believes he’s outkicked his coverage, meaning his wife is far too attractive for the likes of him (v. 11). Thirdly, he thinks the Egyptians will kill him to get to her (v. 12). Abraham’s anxious response — lie. Hide. “I’m just her brother. Nothing to see here.” (Self-preservation is perhaps our most natural instinct.)
As it turns out, the Egyptians do find Sarah beautiful and she's taken into Pharaoh’s harem (vv. 14-15). And Abraham isn’t killed. In fact, he’s made richer (v. 16). Still, I’d say the results are less than ideal. God himself decides to intervene and salvage Abraham’s mess (v. 17).
Content Versus Process
Did Abraham make the right choice? Did his suspicion of the Egyptians and anxiety-fueled decision save his life? Or perhaps Abraham’s decision to lie contributed to (but didn’t directly cause) Sarah’s capture. Pharaoh’s response certainly points to the latter: “Why did you not tell me that she was your wife (vv. 18-19)?” Of course, we know the answer – fear and anxiety. It’s possible that if Abraham had told the truth from the start that Sarah wouldn’t have been taken and he would not have been killed. We’ll never know. My interest here isn’t the content of the decision he made, but the process of how he arrived at the decision. Content is what happens. Process is what drives it.
We often get caught up in the content. A child’s less than savory attitude. An aloof spouse. A draining workplace. A friendship that’s more complicated than it needs to be. We worry about what was done, or not done, or the way it was done. We focus on what was said, or not said, or how it was said. Relationships run on reciprocity. We are always contributing to and responding to the functioning of the relationship system. When we fixate on the behaviors, the content, we often miss the emotional processes driving it. We also overlook the ways our anxious reactions contribute to how our relationships function. Here’s what I mean:
Content:
a famine in Canaan
wife-nabbing Egyptians
Abraham’s deceitful plan
Sarah’s compliance
Sarah’s abduction
Process:
Abraham’s anxiety about the famine
societal concerns about decreasing resources (i.e., food, water)
Abraham and Sarah’s relationship
Abraham’s possible feelings of insecurity
fear of death
lack of faith
I’m not suggesting that the content doesn’t matter. Indeed, it does. I am saying by focusing on the content the underlying emotional processes go unexamined. If your relationship feels stuck in a pattern, look for the emotional processes instead of focusing solely on the content.
Next Steps
Be Curious. Investigate the emotional process taking place, not just the content. Awareness of our own emotional reactivity and how we contribute to the overall functioning of our families, marriages, friendships, and workplaces is crucial. We can either be carried by the emotional currents of our relationships or we can grab an oar and steer our own boat.
Be Mature. When your anxiety rises, resolve to be your most mature self, bringing your most mature decision-making to the situation. Ask, “What would I normally do in this situation?” Then, choose something different. Strive to respond from a more thoughtful place rather than an emotional one.
Some Questions
Who do you identify with more in this scenario? Abraham, who makes his decision based on the anxiety of the moment? Or Sarah, who seems to adopt Abraham’s decision uncritically?
In stressful situations, do I tend to be more emotional (automatic reactions) or more thoughtful (reasoned responses)?
How often do I uncritically go along with the thinking of my spouse, significant other, or family without developing or expressing my own thoughts?
In what ways do I try to manage others (their behavior and/or reactions) instead of calming myself down?
How do I typically manage my anxiety when tensions rise? Do I fight, flee, freeze, or fret to a friend?
How many of my actions (or inactivity) are geared toward managing the behaviors and feelings of others?
Where do I get bogged down in the content instead of examining the processes?
In what areas of life do I struggle to trust God?
Immanuel Marsh (MDiv, Beeson Divinity School; MA, University of Alabama at Birmingham; ALC) is a counselor, minister, and teacher in Birmingham, Alabama.
Kent Michael (PhD, University of Alabama; LMFT) is a marriage and family therapist and professor in Birmingham, Alabama.