Genesis 14:17–24 ESV - After his return from the defeat of Chedorlaomer and the kings who were with him, the king of Sodom went out to meet him at the Valley of Shaveh (that is, the King’s Valley). 18 And Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine. (He was priest of God Most High.) 19 And he blessed him and said,
“Blessed be Abram by God Most High,
Possessor of heaven and earth;
20 and blessed be God Most High,
who has delivered your enemies into your hand!”
And Abram gave him a tenth of everything. 21 And the king of Sodom said to Abram, “Give me the persons, but take the goods for yourself.” 22 But Abram said to the king of Sodom, “I have lifted my hand to the LORD, God Most High, Possessor of heaven and earth, 23 that I would not take a thread or a sandal strap or anything that is yours, lest you should say, ‘I have made Abram rich.’ 24 I will take nothing but what the young men have eaten, and the share of the men who went with me. Let Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre take their share.”
Have you ever been around important people (or people important to you)? How easy was it to be and stay your true self? Were you able to stay in touch with what you thought, felt, valued, and believed? There can be a temptation (or even a tendency) to be less us when in the company of others. Sometimes we’re more solid, remaining true to our values and convictions. At other times, we’re a bit squishier, conforming to others. In this passage, Abraham meets with two kings after the successful rescue of his nephew, Lot. As they sit to negotiate over the spoils of war, Abraham is faced with another negotiation. The negotiation of self and other.
Solid Self vs. Pseudo (Squishy) Self
Every social interaction is a negotiation of sorts. A negotiation of time, attention, thoughts, values, and beliefs. There’s a give-and-take between who we are and who others are. The challenge: How do I hold on to who I am and what I believe while staying connected to others? Am I able to be my true self (i.e., stick to my thinking, values, beliefs, principles, etc.) when emotional pressures invite me to be someone else? Every interaction is an opportunity to be our true selves (or true to ourselves) or pretend to be someone else.
Solid self refers to the part of us that does not change in relation to others. It is, well, solid, stable, non-negotiable. The togetherness forces mentioned earlier aren’t able to affect the solid self. It’s our personal core. Here’s how Dr. Bowen defines solid self:
The solid self says, “This is who I am, what I believe, what I stand for, and what I will do or will not do,” in a given situation. The solid self is made up of clearly defined beliefs, opinions, convictions, and life principles.” (Bowen, 365)
Pseudo self is squishier. It’s highly susceptible to relationship pressures. It’s a hodge-podge of adopted beliefs, self-esteem boosters, insecurities, and needs for approval. It’s negotiable depending on the relationship. It’s pretend self.
So how does this look in everyday life? Here are a few scenarios. See if you can spot which responses seem more solid and which ones seem a bit more squishy?
Scenario: A friend has different views than you on a particular topic. They are really passionate about their position. They’d like to know what you think. Do you:
A. Share your views while seeking to understand hers.
B. Pretend to be closer to her view than you really are.
C. Stay quiet about your own views to avoid any potential conflict.
D. Just listen, shrugging off any pressure to embrace her view or defend yours.
Scenario: A friend is excited about a new music artist. They play a song for you, hoping you’ll like it, but you don’t particularly care for it. Do you:
A. Listen politely and say, “That’s nice.”
B. Pretend to enjoy it.
C. Tell him it’s not your style, but you’re glad they like it.
D. Criticize him for having such poor taste in music.
Scenario: Your mother makes a comment about how you’re raising “her grandchildren.” Are you more inclined to:
A. Adopt her thinking to avoid more criticism.
B. Listen to her concerns and share your own approach to parenting.
C. Angrily voice your irritation with her intrusion.
D. Pretend to do things her way in her presence.
Solid Self | Squishy Self |
Authentic Beliefs & Values | Adopted Beliefs & Values |
Non-negotiable | Negotiable |
Cultivated through careful reflection | Created by emotional pressure |
Changed through careful reflection | Changed by emotional pressure |
True Self | Pretend Self |
Solid Self and Living from Our Values
Having beliefs, values, and principles is one thing. Living from them is an entirely different proposition. The urge to exchange our authenticity for acceptance, our morals for membership, and our ideals for inclusion is undeniable. Let’s look at how Melchizedek and Abraham’s beliefs and values informed their principles and actions.
| Melchizedek |
|---|---|
Beliefs | · God is the “Most High.” (v. 19) · God is “Possessor of heaven and earth” (v. 19) · God “delivered your enemies into your hand” (v. 20) |
Values | · Hospitality (v. 18) · Faith (vv. 18-19) · God’s Providence (v. 20) |
Principles | · I will be gracious and hospitable. · I will honor those who share my values. · I will give God the glory. |
Actions | · Blessed Abraham; served bread and wine (Hospitality) · Honored God (Faith) · Credited God for the victory (Providence) |
| Abraham |
|---|---|
Beliefs | · God is the “Most High.” (v. 22) · God is “Possessor of heaven and earth” (v. 22) |
Values | · Generosity (v. 20) · Faith (vv. 22-23) · Integrity (v. 24) |
Principles | · I will be generous. (v. 20) · I will trust God and keep my vow. (vv. 22-23) · I will reject offers that conflict with my values. (v. 24) |
Actions | · Gave Melchizedek 10% of everything (Generosity) · Expresses his allegiance lies with God (Faith) · Doesn’t take anything from Bera (Integrity) |
This is an example of solid self. Abraham doesn’t change who he is or what he stands for based on the company. He’s able to separate his beliefs and convictions from those of Bera, and make decisions based on those beliefs. He doesn’t feel the need to posture or prop himself up. He acts from his principles, not due to pressure.
Becoming More Solid and Less Squishy
Using Dr. Bowen’s description, here are 5 steps to become more solid and less squishy.
Identify some of your beliefs (Societal, Political, Spiritual/Religious, Cultural, Relational). How did you come to these beliefs? Were they well-thought-out and carefully examined? Were they inherited from family, friends, culture, society?
2. Identify some of your values. What do you stand for? What are your non-negotiables? Choose 5 from the list below or think of your own.
Achievement | Dignity | Growth | Leisure | Security |
Adventure | Discipline | Harmony | Love | Spirituality |
Authenticity | Fairness | Health | Loyalty | Stability |
Balance | Faith | Honesty | Order | Success |
Career | Family | Humor | Peace | Teamwork |
Commitment | Freedom | Independence | Reliability | Time |
Community | Friendship | Integrity | Reputation | Tradition |
Contentment | Fun | Kindness | Respect | Truth |
Creativity | Generosity | Knowledge | Responsibility | Wealth |
Curiosity | Gratitude | Leadership | Safety | Well-being |
3. Now that you’ve considered your values, let’s translate them into principles.
Example: Value: Generosity | Principle: I will set aside 10% of my income for charity. Example: Value: Balance | Principle: I will prioritize my life. Example: Value: Curiosity | Principle: I will ask more questions.
4. Once you've pinpointed your beliefs, values, and principles, it's crucial to translate them into action. Can you act based on your values instead of the anxiety of the moment?
5. None of these matters if you can’t maintain it in relationships.
-In which relationships do you feel more solid? Where do you seem squishier?
-How well can you maintain your beliefs, values, and principles in your relationships?
-Can you define what you are willing or not willing to do in a given situation?