This blog post is part of a series where I use the biblical account of Abraham and his family to explore principles of Bowen Family Systems Theory. I am keenly aware that these accounts were written first and foremost to tell God's unfolding plan of redemption. However, I also believe they shed light on human nature and relationships.
Gen. 14:11–16 ESV - “So the enemy took all the possessions of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their provisions, and went their way. They also took Lot, the son of Abram’s brother, who was dwelling in Sodom, and his possessions, and went their way. “Then one who had escaped came and told Abram the Hebrew, who was living by the oaks of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol and of Aner. These were allies of Abram. When Abram heard that his kinsman had been taken captive, he led forth his trained men, born in his house, 318 of them, and went in pursuit as far as Dan. And he divided his forces against them by night, he and his servants, and defeated them and pursued them to Hobah, north of Damascus. Then he brought back all the possessions, and also brought back his kinsman Lot with his possessions, and the women and the people.”
In this passage, Abraham launches a full-scale attack to rescue his nephew, Lot, who is being held captive. It’s the stuff of action movies. The old guy, who just wants to live a quiet life, is forced into action to protect his loved ones. Abraham always looked out for Lot. He brought Lot with him when he left Haran (Gen. 12). He gave Lot first pick of the land when they separated in Canaan (Gen.13). In our passage, he commands a small army to free Lot from his captors (Gen. 14). He intercedes for Lot when God plans to destroy Sodom (Gen. 18-19).
Most of us like being helpful. Some of us chose our whole careers around the idea of wanting to help others (e.g., physicians, social workers, teachers, pastors, counselors, first responders). When it comes to family, that drive to be helpful can border on the heroic. Every family has at least one person who is the superhero. They do everything - give money, coordinate functions, lend advice, and help in every way possible. They’re the person who everyone calls when things go awry. (Perhaps that person is you). But is there a point when helping becomes, well, unhelpful? The simple answer is, “Yes.” Realizing when we’ve reached that point, however, isn’t as simple.
There’s helping, and there’s unhelpful helping. Helping is simply lending a hand, offering assistance. Unhelpful helping goes a bit further. Unhelpful helping happens when we’re overly involved and overly responsible for others. It becomes more than offering the occasional assistance and tends toward a consistent relationship pattern. Here are a few questions to get you thinking about your approach to helping.
8 Clarifying Questions for Helpers
1. How much of your help is geared toward soothing your anxiety?
In his book, Bowen Theory’s Secrets, Dr. Michael Kerr discusses how we all develop certain relational sensitivities in the families we grew up in. Sensitivities to approval, attention, expectations, and distress. Concerning distress, sometimes we become anxious when faced with even the potential distress or discomfort of others. The apparent distress of others elicits actual anxiety in us. We worry that we’re the cause of the distress or we assume the role as the fixer of it. We often get involved just to calm ourselves down.
2. Does your help interfere with others experiencing discomfort that could help them grow?
Sometimes our efforts to help or protect others venture over into coddling behavior. Coddling is our attempt to protect others, especially loved ones, from the struggles of life. We want to wrap them in a cocoon of safety, removing as much risk as possible. We treat others as if they are less than capable (before knowing if they are indeed capable). When our daughter was a toddler, we decided to let her struggle with toys and tasks to the point of frustration. Even when everything in us wanted to jump in, we allowed her to struggle a bit. We believed that it would be helpful in the long run. Growth happens at the point of struggle. Letting others struggle and figure things out for themselves develops both competence and confidence.
3. Does your help shield others from the consequences of their actions?
Sometimes, in our desire to save others from pain or consequences, we rush to the rescue. Make no mistake, there are times when it might be wise to step in. But automatically coming to the rescue can be counterproductive. We could be enabling them. Enabling is repeated “help” that prevents others from feeling the weight of their choices and behavior. It allows others to be less responsible. By getting involved in this way, we may be inadvertently rewarding immaturity and responsibility. Pain can be a good teacher. Enabling protects people from pain that could help them change.
4. By helping, are you robbing others of their agency and dignity?
The ability to do things for ourselves is part of growing and maturing. There is a certain dignity that comes along with being capable and independent. But it’s possible that, in our attempts to help others, we limit their opportunities to grow, contribute, and be responsible for themselves. We never get to see what they’re truly capable of, and neither do they. Sometimes our repeated assistance subtly communicates to others that they are less than capable. We learn by doing; not by having things done for us. And we gain a certain dignity and confidence from being able to do things for ourselves.
5. Is your helping at times fueled more by feeling guilty than a true desire to get involved?
Sometimes we get involved due to feelings of guilt and indebtedness. In these times, we’re operating more out of an emotional obligation than a desire to help. Don’t get me wrong, there is a place for duty and obligation. But if we feel we can’t say “no,” then our “yes” ultimately means nothing. It’s the difference between being drafted into a war and volunteering. Are you being drafted into service or are you volunteering? Are you helping out of compulsion or compassion? Being able to define ourselves for ourselves goes a long way in setting boundaries and lowering our relationship anxiety.
6. Does your help allow others to be less responsible and less involved?
Whenever we are over-involved or overly responsible for another, others will be less responsible. This could be the person we intend to help or other people in that person’s life. Being overly responsible could look like:
Getting anxious about others’ capabilities (“They won’t do it correctly.”).
Deciding others won’t step up (“If I don’t do it, no one else will.”).
Thinking others don’t want to be bothered. (“She probably doesn’t have time.”).
Whenever we think, feel, and do for others (whether they want us to or not), we take part in a give-and-take relationship of over-responsibility and under-responsibility (also called over-functioning and under-functioning). Both positions in this relationship help us calm down in some way. One feels less anxious because he is in control. The other feels less anxious because less is demanded of him. One thing is certain, if we don’t ask or allow others to step up, the likelihood of them doing so decreases.
7. Do you become less responsible for yourself in your efforts to help others?
Sometimes in our desire to help other people, we may neglect other responsibilities. We may even betray our values and principles. This could look like:
Neglecting your financial responsibilities to lend money to someone else.
Spending so much time tending to others that you don’t carve out time for yourself.
Putting significant relationships on the back burner while you assist others.
Taking excessive time off work to help friends and family.
In other words, are we making a thoughtful decision to sacrifice time, money, and energy to help others? Or are we being carried away by anxious feelings with reckless abandon? In our efforts to help others, are we neglecting our responsibilities, our relationships, and ourselves?
8. How often is your helping oriented toward immediate relief rather than long-term growth?
When anxiety gets stirred up, we tend to look for a quick fix. How can I calm down as quickly as possible? We’re not particularly concerned about the distant future (or next week for that matter), just the here and now. But there is a difference between relief and resolution, between feeling better and functioning better. All have their place (relief, resolution, feelings, and functioning). But short-sighted helping may not be helpful at all. Sometimes thinking about the possible long-term implications of our help may change our perspective on the problem.
These questions aren’t an attempt to define a right or wrong way to get involved. Rather, they present several tensions and trade-offs (for you and those you want to help):
Sit with our anxiety or self-soothe by rushing in
Risk vs. Safety
Temporary pain vs. Potential permanent change
Dignity vs. Dependence
Personal Autonomy vs. Emotional Obligation
Being overly responsible vs. more proportionately responsible
Sacrifice or Irresponsibility
Short-term relief vs. Long-term rewards
Moving from the Instinctual Toward the Intentional
We’re not told anything about Abraham’s emotional state or thought process. From the looks of it, his rescue mission was dangerous but not necessarily haphazard. The operation undoubtedly took time and thought. (How long do you think it took to mobilize a small army in the Bronze Age?) He knew there was an actual threat (v. 13). He had allies; he didn’t go at it alone (v. 13). He was prepared, gathering his resources of 318 trained men (v. 14). He was willing to lead (v. 14). He had a plan, dividing his forces by night (v. 15). He thought long-term, pursuing the abductors as far as he could (v. 15). His efforts were rewarded (v. 16). Surely Abraham experienced some anxiety upon hearing news of Lot’s capture. He probably felt some degree of responsibility for his nephew. But judging by the sheer scope of the operation, Abraham was able to think through the challenges and consequences of the situation. (He also had God on his side, which doesn’t hurt.)
Again, this isn’t about judging our efforts to help as good or bad, right or wrong. It’s about being more thoughtful and intentional with our involvement. Ultimately, it's about forging better relationships by managing ourselves better in them. Here are eight ideas to help you get started.
8 Things to Try Before Getting Involved
Calm down – Jumping in to help at the height of your anxiety probably won’t produce the clearest thinking.
Pause – Every dilemma or request doesn’t require your immediate attention or response.
Be Curious - As Dr. Kathleen Smith says, "It's hard to change what we aren't curious about." What’s motivating me to get involved (anxiety, obligation, compassion)? What are the potential trade-offs? What am I doing for others that they’re capable of doing themselves?
Wait – See what others can do for themselves when you fade into the background.
Develop principles – Craft a set of ideals around helping that can assist you in separating your anxious feelings from your thinking.
Take the “I Position” – This simply means getting clearer on what you’re willing or not willing to do as a general principle and in a given scenario.
Seek counsel – Sometimes we’re too close to the situation to make sense of it. A wise and objective person can help you find your best thinking .
Ask for help – If you’re the go-at-it-alone type, recruiting others could allow you to take off the cape for a while. Chances are most of us will never be faced with the decision to enter into armed combat for the sake of a relative. (Though our internal conflicts may feel like a full-scale war at times). And there isn’t an objective measure of when you’ve left Helptown and ventured over into Coddlington or Rescueville. Every situation is different. But if you can be more thoughtful (i.e., less anxious) about when and how to get involved, you can promote maturity in yourself and others.