Differentiation and Leaving Home
Differentiation of self is the centerpiece of Bowen Family Systems Theory. Differentiation refers to the process whereby, and to the extent, we become a self. Dr. Jenny Brown in her book, Growing Yourself Up, describes differentiation as, "the ability to think as an individual while staying meaningfully connected to others. It describes the varying capacity each person has to balance their emotions and their intellect, and to balance their need to be attached with their need to be a separate self (p. 4)." The more differentiated we are, the greater our ability to live from our core values and principles. We can maintain our individuality while being connected to other people. We can make reasoned and thoughtful decisions instead of reacting emotionally when anxious. The less differentiated we are, the more susceptible we are to becoming fused with others and adopting their values, desires, and preferences. We end up suppressing our individuality for the sake of maintaining togetherness with others. We are more prone to “think” with our feelings when anxiety rises beyond a certain level. We will also experience more chronic anxiety. All of this is part of the maturation process - finding out who we are without losing ourselves in others. It’s like high school all over again.
One event that exposes our level of emotional maturity (i.e. differentiation) is leaving home and separating from our family of origin. This separation doesn’t have to be physical. Separation can mean identifying who we are apart from our families. What do we think, feel, and believe? While some of our beliefs may still parallel those of our parents, we’ve arrived at them through a thoughtful process. In the western context, we generally think of separating from our families in terms of freedom and distance. How late can we stay up? What time is our curfew? Getting a driver’s license. Going off to college. While those may mark some sort of maturation, they don’t necessarily amount to emotional maturity.
How we leave home is just as important as when. If we were never allowed to be a self (a separate person with our own thoughts, beliefs, and desires), under our parent's roof, leaving home won't automatically grow us up emotionally. More than likely, we will look for other relationships to fill in gaps in our maturity. The runaway will continue to run away - to distance himself when relationships get intense. The person who is more emotionally fused with a parent will continue to be emotionally dependent upon them during times of high anxiety. Or, they will find surrogate "parents" to help them feel stable. If we fail to grow up emotionally (differentiate) before leaving home, distance alone won’t do the work for us. We take our familial emotional patterns with us (More insights from Jenny Brown).
We don't know much about Abraham's family dynamics or his emotional machinations. However, we can look at Abraham’s story and how leaving home can be a catalyst for differentiation.
Nodal Events and the Nudge Toward Maturity (Gen. 11:27--12:1)
Sometimes we need a push toward maturity, toward finding ourselves and our path. Significant life events, both positive and negative, can give us that push. These events, whether they be tragic or triumphant, have the potential to make us reflect on what’s important to us, to regret things left undone, to set new goals, or disregard old ones. They can upset our relative comfort and unseat deeply entrenched positions. They can open us to new possibilities (or maybe not even new ones, but ones we’ve ignored).
In Abraham’s case, we find four such nodal events. First, Abraham’s younger brother, Haran, dies. Secondly, he marries Sarah, who as it turns out, is unable to have children. Thirdly, his father, Terah, dies. And fourthly, he receives an invitation from God. God asks Abraham to leave his country, his extended family, and his immediate family and travel to an unknown place (Gen. 12:1). In his culture, that was a pretty big ask. Abraham leaving home involves more than a change in location and distance from family. He leaves an urban culture (Ur of the Chaldeans) to settle in a more rural setting in Canaan. He also abandons the Mesopotamian gods, which are probably the gods of his family, to heed the call of the God he does not know. It’s possible that Abraham’s marriage and the deaths of his younger brother and father left him more receptive to such an invitation.
Returning Home to Do the Work
Leaving home doesn’t magically grow us up emotionally. Separation is not necessarily maturation. However, the way we left home, or our inability to do so, gives us clues about the level of our emotional maturity and our relationship patterns. To do the work of growing up after we’ve left home, it makes sense to do so within our family of origin. A good starting point is to experience our own thoughts, emotions, wishes, and beliefs and express them in our family. Dr. Jenny Brown writes:
At any stage of life, one of the best forums for growing up is in reconnecting with our original family and forging a more mature relationship with each family member. If we can learn to be in contact with our parents and siblings without falling back into any old ways of managing family anxiety such as distancing, blaming or rescuing, we can make some genuine progress towards maturity (Growing Yourself Up, 60).
Subtle changes happen when we are able to maintain who we are when the anxiety in the family rises and we’d feel better falling back into old family patterns. Until we engage in the work of differentiation (i.e. becoming more of a self), we can leave home but home will never leave us.
Some Questions:
Did the death of a loved one push you toward new frontiers?
Did it keep you closer to home and more emotionally fused with your family or a family member?
How does/did your family respond to death?
How did you leave home?
Did it feel like you were running away? Were you trying to get out of there as fast as you could?
Were/Are you reluctant to leave home and your parents and/or siblings? What was/is keeping you there?
Was there a specific event(s) that nudged you toward maturity and leaving home (physically and/or emotionally)?
What symptoms arose after your leaving (i.e., sibling academic struggles, parent health issue, marital conflict, etc.)?
Did/Do one or both parents still try to exert control over your life from a distance?
Were you allowed to develop a self? That is, were you allowed to think and express your own thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and desires?
Were you encouraged to try new things and explore your own interests? Was any hint of individuality snuffed out immediately?
Were you allowed to disagree with your parents?
Was there undue pressure to conform to family norms?
Did faith contribute to your maturation process? Does faith currently play a role in your maturation process? How so?
Were you allowed to explore your own beliefs and work out your own understanding of God?
How do you feel faith operated in your home on a scale from liberating to suffocating?
Did you abandon the faith of your parents after leaving home? Was that process driven more by thoughtful consideration or did it tend toward an emotional reaction?
Immanuel Marsh (MDiv, Beeson Divinity School; MA, University of Alabama at Birmingham; ALC) is a counselor, minister, and teacher in Birmingham, Alabama.
Kent Michael (PhD, University of Alabama; LMFT) is a marriage and family therapist and professor in Birmingham, Alabama.